


Gestalt

by JayPi



Category: The Bold Type
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-16
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2020-06-29 20:21:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,357
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19837840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JayPi/pseuds/JayPi
Summary: What happens when suicidal Kat meets addict Adena?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi Kadena fandom, me again. Could not get this story out of my head so...
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy it as much as I do.

Kat’s POV

I have a roof over my head, I have water to drink, I have oxygen in my lungs, I have a steady income, I have everything I need to survive on earth. That’s just it, I’m merely surviving. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing that sets my soul on fire, no reason for my heart to keep beating. I guess you could say I feel like a waste of space, like if someone else had the breath in my lungs they could do much more than I ever would. 

Which is why I have decided to kill myself. 

Now before you judge me, this decision did not come easily to me. This is years in the making. And don’t get me wrong, there has been good times, but I can count them on my one hand; the rest has just been a constant struggle to find hope in the fact that tomorrow is better then the day before. My tomorrows just got worse. If I could illustrate it through Greek mythology I would say that if I was Sisyphus the boulder would continually run over me when it neared the top of the hill. Every day of my life. 

But before I actually do the deed, I want two things: 1) a Banana Milkshake and 2) Fesenjoon and I want it from one specific place. I know it sounds mundane but you have not tasted it so… 

The place’s name is Noor, it’s a little Iranian restaurant I discovered when I was roaming the streets of New York on a Friday night looking for a bite to eat and the art on the window display was so captivating that I had no choice but to enter. Although they did not serve any alcohol; not even a lite Rosè, the quality of their cuisine was enough to cancel out that major factor. 

Ever since that night I’ve come here every Friday night since and its been one of the few things that created joy from within me, if not the only thing. I know, it even sounds depressing thinking about the fact that a food place is the only joy in my life; but it’s the truth and my truth is depressing.

As oppose to the other nights I’ve been here, I’m here on a Saturday night. Nothing special about it, only the fact that this is suppose to be my last supper. (All the pun intended)

“Hi, my name is Sutton and I’ll be your waiter this evening. Do you know what you’re gonna get or do you need a few more minutes?” Her smile is so contagious, I immediately know that she’s one of those people that makes the whole room brighter just by their presence. 

“Hi Sutton. No, that won’t be necessary I know exactly what I’m gonna get.”

“Mhm, you’ve been here before? I’ve never seen you before and I there is no way wouldn’t remember those chubby cheeks.” I don’t know whether to be flattered or insulted but I’m deciding to go with the first option seeing as this is my last day on earth after all, gotta make the best out of everything.

“Yeah, I come here pretty regularly. I usually come Friday night.”

“Now that makes sense, I don’t work Friday nights.” I decide just to nod. What? What else am I suppose to do? “Anyway… What can I get you tonight?”

“I’ll just have the fesenjoon and a banana milkshake, please.” I don’t know what happened because the next thing I see is Sutton bursting out into a tiny fit of laughter.“I know, I know. The combination sounds weird but it works for me.” Trying to convince her that I’m not as weird as I am, if she only knew it was my favourite meal she might hyperventilate. 

“Although I must admit the combination is…eccentric, it’s not the reason I’m laughing.” I don’t verbally answer, I just raise my eyebrow seeking for an answer.

“It’s the banana milkshake. No one ever orders it. We just keep it there as an inside joke.”

“Oh, okay. We’ll I guess I’m no one then.” This causes her to smile. “Don’t be such a downer and maybe I’ll even tell you the joke.” Before I knew would tell me she’d me I had no interest in knowing but now I needed to know.

“Deal.” I say with the biggest smile I could muster. This kinda made me wish I had a Sutton in my life coz this was the biggest genuine smile I’ve smiled in a long time.

“Fine. But first I have to put in this weird order.” And with that she’s off but she turns around to wink at me.

Believe it or not, this was one the longest conversation I’ve had in years with an actual human being; with the exception of my colleagues, but they don’t count because they basically get paid to interact with me. I have no friends, the only interaction beside the odd here and there small talks I have with cashiers and baristas are with my parents every Wednesday 7pm sharp, they both have type A personalities.

I write for an online magazine, for those of you who wanted to know. Which means I can do most of my work from home, in isolation; just the way I like it. Or so I tell myself.

As I’m sitting in my booth minding my own business and scrolling through my phone I hear the entrance chimes and I look up to see who it is, not because I cared but because it’s what I’ve always done; it’s what most people like me do. We observe everything and not because we want to but because it’s in our nature. However, through all my years of observation I have always been able to look away but by some unforeseeable reason I couldn’t look away this time. It was like the person before me put me in a trance.

I literally could not look away.

The person had on a raven black hijab wrapped in an intricate style, a black leather jacket, black ripped jeans and a pair of Doc Martins, but I couldn’t see her face… she probably has a lot of eye-liner on. 

She must know the people who owns the place or maybe she works here because as soon as she enters the restaurant she goes straight pass the register and straight into the kitchen. 

If you asked me what it was about her that stood out, I wouldn’t be able to give you a direct answer. I guess it could be her demeanor, maybe her aura or if I was high I would say it was her spirit that made it impossible to look away from her. I don’t know, okay. 

I guess now is a good time to say that I’ve never really conformed to ancient society norms of physical and sexual attraction. I like what I like… that’s it. No labels. No boxes. 

I have to get over this feeling so when she’s out of sight I go back to mindlessly scrolling through my Twitter account that is mostly filled with gay twitter tweets. Currently it’s filled with Meghan Rapinoe, a girl named Robin from Stranger Things and Juliantina overload tweets; but the content changes everyday, it just gets gayer and gayer. 

“Here you go. Fesenjoon and a banana milkshake.” I guess I was so deep into the lesbian twitter rabbit hole that I didn’t even notice Sutton approaching my booth with my order. 

“Thank you.”

“Mhm, that reminds me. I never got your name.”

“Kat.”

“Well it’s my pleasure, Kat.” She says with that smile of hers, but I could see that there was something one her mind, something she wanted to ask or say to me.

“Kat, can I ask you something completely random?” See, my observation skills never…rarely false me.

“Sure, why not.” To be frank, I would do anything to keep our interaction going on. I missed this. Actually liking interacting with people.

“Well… I told my friend; who also happens to own this place about your order and they’d like to meet you.” Whoa, whoa, whoa. I did not sign up for this. I just wanted to eat my favourite meal before I kill myself. 

I guess Sutton could see that I actually had to think about it. “You don’t have to say yes you know, no is also an option.” I knew that, but I don’t think people ever say no to her, how could they with her personality?

So instead, “No, it’s fine. I’ll meet him.” comes out of my mouth.

“Okay, cool. Well you dig in and I’ll be back with Her in few.” 

Her? Okay. No big deal.


	2. Something like that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The truth is a hard pill to swallow.

I don’t know what it was about this fesenjoon that made me fall in love with it in the first place to be completely honest; I don’t even know what it in it. I know there is some sort of meatball in it, I get a nutty flavour from it and it has a sweet taste but further than that I have no idea. I just know that I love it, enough to make it my last meal. 

While I’m eating I look to the TV screen in my view that’s always playing some sort of sport or another. Today it’s cricket, I don’t know who’s playing and I don’t care; it’s just what I always do when I’m at places like these. Public places. I’ll do anything that will prevent me from having contact with other humans and looking at the TV will make people less likely to want to interrupt me. Not that anyone has ever talked to me in these situation, you just can’t be too careful.

As I’m watching, my peripheral vision catches Sutton approaching me with no other than HER. Yes, you guessed it, the HER. The one that I can’t seem to take my eyes off and the one that is… as I’m learning, literally taking my breath away. She is even more beautiful than imagined (not that I was imagining her or anything). 

Her fair skin, her sculptured nose, her dark inviting eyes, her perfectly shaped lips, her amazing body, her everything has created in my opinion - the perfect human. Physically. 

“Kat, hope your enjoying your meal.” Sutton says. I could feel myself wanting to look at her but the way I would look at her would probably seem too invasive, so I just nod in response with my eyes forcefully looking at Sutton instead. “Good, anyway this is the owner of Noor and my dear friend, Adena El-Amin.”

Adena…El-Amin. Why does that name sound so familiar? 

Then it clicked. A few years ago when I was doing research about contemporary controversial artists in the world, her name popped up. She was famous for doing pieces on people that otherwise would not be thought of such as Muslim woman and their story behind their hijabs, homeless people and the reasons they are homeless; basically images that made one question ones existence and others existence. The article was named ‘Breakers of the ground’. 

I also read that she was a drug addict and that she’s been in and out of rehab. 

I was so deep in thought that I almost didn’t hear her say “Hi, Kat” and see her extend her hand out to me. “Hi” I say as I shake her hand and try my best to keep my cool. 

“Well I’ve got to see over a few tables so I’ll just leave you two to it.” And Sutton is off, leaving me here with the artistic genius; who's trans I can’t seem to get out of, sitting across from me in my booth.

“So Sutton told me that you ordered the banana milkshake.” Smirking as if she knows something I don’t.

“Yeah. I really enjoy it.” I decided that the best thing to do in my situation is keep my answers short and sweet so I don’t embarrass myself more than I need to. 

“Really?” Like she really couldn’t believe that’s what a grown woman would enjoy with her meal.

“Really.” 

“You’re an interesting character Miss Kat…” She hints like she’s trying to find out what my last name is. Should I give her my real last name? Would it make a difference if I didn’t? 

“Edison. Kat Edison.”

“You’re an interesting character Ms Kat Edison.” I don’t know how I should take that, so I just look at her in hopes that she sees that I’m seeking for a reason for her statement.

“The meal you’ve ordered is one of the warmest, innocent childlike meals anyone could order.” Did she just call me childish? “Yet, you’re one of the saddest, heartbroken and hurt people I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

I continue to do what I’ve done this whole time. I look at her. But contrary to the other looks, this one is filled with anger, irritation and so many questions. 

“Mhm? How could you possibly know that, how could you say that to me. I’m your customer.”

“Would you rather I lied to you?” She dares in return. This was not what I was expecting from her. I was expecting a smile, a simple “Hey, how are you?” and that’s that. Not a full analysis of me as a person.

“No. But I was also did not ask your opinion of me.”

“Yet it’s not an opinion. It’s the truth and the truth is always brought to the surface.”

“And how was this truth revealed to you? Are you a psychic, medium or something like that?”

“Something like that.”

“You’re incorrigible.”

“See, even you are ‘something like that’ coz how else would you know that I’m incorrigible.” This leads me to roll my eyes. “So, I have a question I want to ask you.”

“I have a feeling no matter what I say, you’re going to ask it anyway.”

“Wow, you know me so well already. Can I photograph you.”

“Photograph. Me?.”

“Yes, I know it might sound weird or whatever but I’m a photographer by profes…” “I know who you are.”

For the first time during our interaction Adena was the one with the confused look on her face.

“I came across you once when I was doing research for an article. I’m a writer by profession.”

Adena just repeatedly nodded her head while digesting this new information. “Well… what do you know about me?”

I mentally debate what I should and shouldn’t say. “I know that you’re an artist, photography mostly. You’re Muslim. You’re a lesbian…” Which resulted in a smug expression from her “You’re from Iran. You’re very successful in your field. You’re art tends to be provocative. And…” This is the part that I’m not sure about. 

“It’s okay, you can say it.” Like she already knew what I was going to say, like this was not the first time someone would identify her by her mistakes. 

“You’re a drug addict.” 

“I guess you owe me now.” I look at her with a quizzical expression. “You know all this information about me, the least you could do is help me find out who you are.”

I must say, she’s very convincing. But I couldn’t, I wouldn’t allow myself to fall into this trap that would only lead me to more disappointment.

“Although I’m flattered, I can’t.”

“Why not?” She challenges.

“I just can’t.”

“Is it because you don’t want me to use you’re images in galleries, because I won’t or is it because you ‘don’t take pictures’ because I wouldn’t believe that, you’re too beautiful to not capture.” Wait, what? She thinks I’m beautiful?

“It’s not any of those reasons. Like I said, I just can’t.” Hoping she would drop it.

“Remember when you discovered how incorrigible I am? I won’t drop it until you tell me the real reason. The truth.”

“I’m going overseas.” “Lies!” 

“I hate cameras.” “Nope.” 

“I don’t like you.” 

“Now we both know that’s not true. I’m annoying you maybe, yes. But I can sense that you like me, call it my ‘something like that’ senses.” Snarky. 

“Okay. Do you really want the truth? The real reason you can’t photograph me?”

“Yes. That’s all I ask. The truth and I’ll walk away.” I don’t know why but I didn’t want her to leave.

“I’m gonna kill myself tonight.” It was like I could see Adena sinking into herself as she processes my truth. 

“Hey, you’re still okay? Can I get you anything else?” Sutton asks, oblivious to the whole situation.

Perfect timing. Thank you Sutton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)


	3. How old were you?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How old were you when you first watched the L word?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Been a long time but better late than never. All mistakes are mine.
> 
> Hope you like it.

Adena is still burning wholes into me with her eyes, completely oblivious of Sutton’s presence.

“Just the bill please.” I say, smiling the most honest smile I could muster and making as much eye contact with Sutton as possible. I needed something to focus on other than the fact that I was practically the only person on Adena’s planet right now.

I need to get out of here. 

A.S.A.P.

“Okey. Dokey.” And with that Sutton leaves me yet again with Miss Adena over here, who apparently is not with us on planet Earth.

“You can’t.” She’s back.

“Uh?”

“You can’t.” 

“I can’t what?” I knew.

“You can’t… you know…” she leans in closer because she has decided that this information should be whispered, which was probably the sane thing to do “…you can’t kill yourself tonight, or ever for that matter.”

“Oh, I guess nobody told you. This is none of your business.” Saying the other part of the secret back to her, in the unwritten hushed tone agreement we’ve made. Probably not the nicest thing I could of said, but it was true.

“Well it is now.”

“No it’s not.”

“Yes it is.”

“NO IT’S NOT!” I said, slamming my hand on the table, basically shouting. 

To say that I got the attention of the other people in the restaurant would be the understatement of the decade, but I had absolutely no fucks to give. 

Here Sutton comes, great. “Are you okay?” Of course she’s gonna ask that question.  
Is she like my fairy godmother or something because I really could have used her earlier in life.

“Mmm.” I just shrugged and stood up, deciding that she didn’t need to know. “It’s been a pleasure being in your presence.” And I put a cheque in her hand. “Keep the change.” Wink. Walk.

I was about 3 seconds then I heard “Kat!” That was Sutton, so I stopped in my tracks and turned around.

“Yes?”

“Why?”

“Does it matter?” 

“Yes.” The look in her eyes made me believe her, so I told her the truth.

“If I had to choose one person to spend my last day with… it would be you.” 

“Thank you.” The most sincerest form of gratitude I’ve ever experienced. I think Sutton knew that I meant much more than I was saying and she chose not to pry; which I appreciated. (I gave her $100, 050. 00 for those who wanted to know) 

“Come back anytime you want, on me.” If she only knew, so I just nodded and made my way out.

It’s funny how you notice things and think about things when you plan to take your own life. (I wonder how many euphemisms I can use before I actually kill myself) For instance, I notice how some kids are actually still playing outside and how everyone around me is so busy doing what they are doing, they don’t even look up to take an uninterrupted breathe. I mostly think about sad things, like how much my mother is going to miss me when I die, my father probably as well but you can’t see it on his face so I like to think about the sadder montages of my life, like in the movies. They love me so much - shame. 

I also think about the less sadder things like… when I donate my organs, will those parts of me be happier or would they be the parasite that sucks all the joy from the person’s life. I hope not. 

I just walked into my apartment, after that cheesy mental montage I just went through while walking home (LOL) and about 10 seconds after I close the door, I hear a knock. Who the fuck? No one ever comes here. Literally no one; except me. So I opened, because it was the right thing to do, right?

So I opened and guess who. I bet you don’t even have to think. 

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I heard that too, maybe a little too bitchy. Just a little.

“You know what I’m doing here. Can I come in? Thanks.” She just walked right past me as if this is the most normal thing to do. The audacity. Who does she think she is? The most beautiful person ever? Maybe. What!? I have eyeballs.

She’s acting like she’s been here a million times, making herself comfortable on my favourite place to sit in the living room, my side of the couch. “Seriously. What are you doing her? Plus, you can’t walk in someone else’s place that you don’t even know and act like you own it.”

“Well Kitty Kat...” 

“Don’t even.”

“What?” She asked with the biggest smirk on her face.

“Nothing, Adena Benina.” 

“Really?” She asked questioningly.

“I don’t know any Adena references. Argh, we are going off topic.”

“And which topic is that?” She knows! She’s so fucking irritating.

“I think that’s your queue to leave. It was really nice meeting you bla bla bla” I say moving towards the door, gesturing for her to follow my lead. But she didn’t. Of course she didn’t.

“I’m not going anywhere.” She states as if it’s the most simplest thing she’s ever said.

“Whyyy not?” I was basically between a whine and a cry.

“You know why.”

“No, I really don’t. Is it the suicide thing coz there is nothi…” “I’m gonna photograph you.”

“What? No. No your not.” Probably falling over every word.

“Yes. I’m just waiting on my friend…she has a thing but she’ll be here.”

“You can just tell her to forget about it.”

“Kat, as soon as you realize that I’m going to do what I want to do, the sooner you’ll stop stressing for shit.” First time she cursed, it suits her - that all I’m saying.

I take the nearest pillow from the couch and scream into as loud as I can. How can someone be so bossy and manipulative and, and … argh. It’s 21:57 and I’m suppose to… you know. Well I guess I could still do it while she’s here, but that would be a next level of rudeness, right? 

“Do you have Showtime?”

“Yes, why?” 

“I wanna watch The L Word premiere.” Ohhh. Shit I forgot. I guess I just didn’t want a reason to live.  
“Yeah. You can put it on.” Who am I kidding. Who didn’t want to watch it.

I decide to sit on the other end of the couch, coz I only had one couch and I wanted to be as far from Adena as possible, while still being able to watch the show in relative comfort. 

Wow. 

“Oh My God. They really gonna start the show like this. Wow. Wow. Wow.” I guess she’s someone who talks to the TV. I’m not… that’s a lie but I can’t give her the satisfaction of thinking I’m enjoying anything in her presence.

The shows been on a while and I must say I loved every second of it. Which really sucks.

“Have you watched the original?”

“Yes.” Being short is the best option for me right now. 

“Are you… not straight?” That’s one way of putting it.

“Yes.” This caused her so smile, just a little. Why?

“When did you watch it?”

“When I was younger.”

“Did you have to secretly watch it?” Deeeep.

“No, my mother watched it with me.” I say nonchalantly.

“Mmm. Must have been nice.” But I saw a slight change in her expression, something other than what she has shown me thus far, so I had to ask. “And you.”

“What?”

“When did you watch it?”

“It was one of the first things I did when ran away from home, so about 18/19 years old.” She ran away, should I ask now or later? Later, or never maybe. Why did I want to know, it’s not like I cared. Did I? She is confusing the hell out of me.

“How old are you now?”

“Didn’t you read about me?” Cheeky bitch. 

“Yes, but I forgot and I have you here now.”

“Okay. I’m 27, you?”

“25” She just nodded. “So why did you “ran away”?” I had to know.

“Why do you wanna kill yourself?” That was fair. “Tochè.” I didn’t want to push it, it seemed like a touchy subject, as serious as suicide.

“Let’s just say… back then I never thought in a million years that I would even think of the possibility of marrying a woman.” How fitting, just when Dani proposing to Sophie. 

“Vague, but I’ll take it.” 

“I think I deserve, at the very least a vague explanation of why you wanna do what you wanna do.”

“Fair, I guess I just don’t feel content…ever.”

“But why?”

“Nope. Nope. That was my answer and that’s it. By the way… its been like an hour, where is your friend? It’s almost 11, which is pretty late for a stranger to be at someone’s place.”

“We are not strangers. I know your name, you know far more than my name soooo. Plus she’s almost here.” 

“Define almost.” My patients was running out and so was the day. If it gets to 12, that would mean that I’ve made it to another day, which is not what I want-ed. It’s not what I fucking want.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

“FINALLY!” That’s me screaming again, which seems to be the theme of the day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading :)

**Author's Note:**

> I know the concept of a suicidal Kat is something no one asked for but it's real and most us can relate to the feeling.
> 
> Comment, Kudo's, Do nothing, just read and go - that's okay too.
> 
> Whatever you do... Be kind.


End file.
